Hello, my lovely lilies! I’ve not written anything in a while but, in my defense, I had a stroke.
I’ve been a bit under the weather – in more ways than one.
A week and a half ago, I was minding my own business, working as usual when I got hit hard with a very unusual headache. The pain shot from behind my left ear and up through my forehead and back over the top of my head to the nape of my neck. I don’t get headaches, hardly ever, and the ones I do get are usually followed by a seizure (I have a seizure disorder that is not epileptic and isn’t controllable by medications), so I thought maybe I was having or about to have another seizure. I made my way to the bed to lie down, but couldn’t because I was hit with overwhelming nausea. I started to feel a strange sensation in my face, almost like… my face was falling asleep. Rob was running errands getting ready for his first day on a new job, and for the coming snow we were expecting, and I was alone.
I kept telling myself not to panic that whatever was happening was OK, just….new in a very different way.
I sat on the bed for what seemed like an hour. I was dizzy and queasy but just as soon as it had started, the headache and nausea were gone.
When Rob got home, he took one look at me and said, “Oh dear. I think you’ve had another stroke.” I tried to answer and couldn’t. The sound came out but the words didn’t make any sense. I had zero coordination, and just felt sort of numb and tingly all over. Yes. I had another stroke. And this one… I can tell it’s done some pretty good damage.
During my last hospitalization in 2019, it was discovered after I had a stroke while in the hospital for heart issues, that I’ve had several smaller strokes over the past five years. Other than causing some sleepiness and a day or so of feeling “off”, they really hadn’t been serious except in their warning message. I didn’t even realize that’s what was happening to me because they often feel the same way the beginnings of my seizures do. I have focal seizures or what’s often referred to as partial seizures or focal onset awareness seizures because I’m aware of what is happening, I do not convulse (though I do have grand mals also).
It has taken me five days to write this article. And even then, it’s not what I normally would write. I still struggle to make my mind and my bodywork in conjunction with each other and though I know in my brain what I want to say, making my fingers hit the right keys on the keyboard is soo hard! Even when I’m looking directly at them, which is something I haven’t had to do since junior high school. I type 95-110 words per minute, usually.
I’ve also noticed a strange, metallic taste in my mouth that won’t go away. I’ll have to address that with my doctor on the next visit. Despite the taste in my mouth – or – maybe because of it, I’ve been starved, despite the fact that I eat my three meals a day and I usually have a snack.
I’ve discussed my health issues in previous posts but not in detail as I really do not want to hear other people’s opinions or judgments. Trust me when I say that no one kicks me in my ass for not taking better care of myself than I do. The years I spent yo-yo dieting trying to be a size I was never meant to be. The years I wasted smoking cigarettes always telling myself I’d “quit one day”, not realizing that this would be the biggest struggle of my life.
Now, I spend the majority of my day asleep. I get up and do one or two things and I am so exhausted that I can’t keep my eyes open. I’ve spilled three cups of coffee on my desk in the past week because I literally fall asleep sitting up. It’s tired, unlike anything I’ve felt. And, I’m grieving. I’m grieving the loss of a life I desperately want, of time missed with my kids, of not doing all the things I put off doing because I know that I’m dying. There’s no longer any denying it. And I’m terrified. I’m not afraid of death though I am afraid of the pain of dying. But instead, I’m afraid I’ve lost the chance to do the things I really want to do.
So, even though I’ve been gradually changing my lifestyle, there is no more gradual. I believe in natural healing with all of my heart. I do know for a fact that I feel better, and function better when I’m not on all o the medications that totally contradict what my body is telling me, and I firmly believe that if I just bite the bullet and get all of my bad habits under control I will begin to heal and improve my life’s expectancy, so that’s what I am going to do now.
In the meantime, as I recover, I’ll continue to share my journey, and work on my products. I, now more than ever, am driven to build my little house because I refuse to die in this horrible motel.
So, keep coming back my beautiful lilies, and come along with me as I soar. And in the meantime, heed this warning from someone who knows:
Live your life like every day could be your last because it could. Do everything you can do to be healthy, less stressed, with underlying joy and peace and be kind to everyone.